The Joke Blog

Gadaffi and friends - the African union helps out

2011-04-11T14:29:00.000+01:00

Gatiep

2010-11-20T10:58:00.000+02:00

Gatiep sit gesuip langs Maraai se graf en tjank.

Lekker dronk verdrietig:

"Meraai as jy net terugkom hou ek op drink!"

n' Mol is besig om 'n hopie op te stoot.

Gatiep spring die hopie plat:

"Jislaaik Meraai, kan jy nie 'n grap vattie!?"

Sick Leave

2010-11-20T10:56:00.000+02:00

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would

Not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you are doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

Bucket seat (new meaning)

2010-11-20T10:50:00.000+02:00

The Female Demerit System

2010-11-20T10:48:00.000+02:00

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Ma ke the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Why do South African Police officers wear reflective jackets?

2010-11-20T10:46:00.000+02:00

Welcome to Independent Africa!

2010-11-20T10:44:00.000+02:00

Welcome to Independent Africa !

A picture is worth a thousand words. In this case much more.

The first two pictures were taken of Beira , Mozambique in 1975
And the other two pictures taken in 2007.

Thirty two years of freedom in Africa .

The day I lost control

2010-11-20T10:39:00.000+02:00

I totally lost control today...

This is the reason why public servants were on strike

2010-11-20T10:36:00.000+02:00

NASA Photo Of Water On Mars ...... Amazing....

2010-11-20T10:34:00.000+02:00

Sipho again

2010-11-20T10:33:00.000+02:00

Sipho's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy's name?" The doctor replies.

"Denephew."

Who needs money to get married?

2010-11-20T10:31:00.000+02:00

Life is cheap!

Spring is around the corner

2010-11-20T10:28:00.000+02:00

FIRST PICTURE OF GREEN POINT STADIUM AFTER WORLD CUP 2010

2010-11-20T10:24:00.000+02:00

New matric mathematics exam

2010-11-20T10:20:00.001+02:00

The New Republic of South Africa Examinations

Western Cape Examination Authority

MATHEMATICS PAPER 1

Time allowed: Negotiable.

NOVEMBER 2010

Examination Instructions

1. Please, write all answers between the lines.

2. No part of this examination paper may be rolled and smoked.

3. No children of students are allowed to participate.

4. Please leave all firearms in possession of parole officers.

5. Bribes will be accepted at a minimum of R300.00

6. If this exam does not match the one that you bought in Advance please notify the examiner.

7. The shibeen will be open for thirst quenchers during the examination.

QUESTION 1

Philemon has an AK47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding 75 rounds. If he misses 8 out of 10 shots, how many drive-by taxi shootings can he attempt before having to reload?

QUESTION 2

Phineas has a 12-seater minibus. To avoid discomfort he never carries more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85 kg, and piles another 35 kg of luggage on the roof, he drives at 140 km/h and that his brakes are 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance be?

a) 300 m

b) 600 m

c) 10 m, as there is another passenger to pick up.

QUESTION 3

Jacob is employed as a gardener for 1 day a week in 3 Households. Assuming that he can make a lawnmower last for 3 months, how many lawnmowers will the households have to purchase over a period of 2 years?

QUESTION 4

In standard 6, Jackson has made 4 girls in his class pregnant and another 6 from other classes. How many girls will he have made pregnant before he leaves school if he

Matriculates on his 28th birthday?

QUESTION 5

Samuel and his friends, altogether 6 of them, can each drink 35 bottles per day of Black Label before falling over. How many SAB trucks do they need to hijack per year to remain permanently pissed? __________________________________________________________

Funny

2010-11-20T10:19:00.000+02:00

Project Management meets Swim Lanes

2010-11-19T20:05:00.000+02:00

Vuvuzela....

2010-11-19T20:04:00.000+02:00

Misdaad in SA ruk nou heeltemal hand uit...

2010-11-19T20:03:00.000+02:00

HANNAH VAN DIE KAAP

2010-11-19T19:57:00.000+02:00

1981 and 2005

2010-11-19T19:54:00.000+02:00

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died

Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Taxi

2010-11-19T19:49:00.001+02:00

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”

“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?

Stick man

2010-11-19T19:46:00.000+02:00

Too much technology....

2010-11-19T19:39:00.000+02:00

Ou tannies

2010-11-19T19:33:00.000+02:00

Drie susters 92, 94 en 96 woon saam in een huis.

Die 92 jarige tap vir haar n bad water, toe sy haar voet insit, vra sy: Was
ek besig om in te klim of uit te klim?

Die 94 jarige sê: Wag, ek kom nou op, dan sal ek jou sê. Maar toe sy opgaan
met die trappe, steek sy in haar spore vas: Was ek besig om op te gaan of af
te kom?

Die 96 jarige sê: Ai, ek's so bly ek is nie so vergeetagtig soos julle nie.
Touch wood, en sy klop op die tafel. Ek sal julle nou kom help, ek wil net
eers gaan kyk wie klop aan die deur.

Devoted Husband

2010-11-19T16:29:00.000+02:00

Smallest Golf in the World

2010-11-19T16:28:00.000+02:00

Die boere vs die Ingelse...

2010-11-19T16:27:00.000+02:00

Gedurende die Boere Oorlog bevind 'n boer en sy seun hulle in die loopgraaf.
Die seun vra: "Pa hoeveel manne is ons?"
Pa sê: "50".
Seun vra: "Hoeveel is die Ingelse?"
Pa sê: "So 10 000".
Daar is 'n ruk lank stilte.
Seun sug: "Dit beteken ons gaan vandag weer LAAT klaarmaak!"

A man and his ostrich

2010-11-19T16:23:00.000+02:00

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual? asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say......."

Hoe bedinges mens jouself eers die volgende dag?

2010-11-19T16:21:00.000+02:00

Laws Newton Forgot

2010-11-19T16:20:00.000+02:00

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital Register

2010-11-19T16:19:00.000+02:00

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Why Africa is 25 Years behind the developed world

2010-11-19T16:15:00.001+02:00

AFRICAN LEADERS

Abdulai Wade ( Senegal ) age 84
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76

Average Age:                                                75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years

THE FIRST WORLD

Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel (Germany) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy (Belgium) age 62

Average Age:                                                51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years

DIFFERENCE:                                                25 years

Help Fight Terrorism!!

2010-11-19T16:14:00.001+02:00

WALK NAKED IN ENGLAND / AUSTRALIA / NEW ZEALAND / SOUTHERN AFRICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So next Saturday at 1 PM all English / Australian / Southern African women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not

approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack or two at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The English / Australian and other governments appreciate your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this important anti-terrorist activity.

FW: Hillbrow

2010-11-19T16:12:00.000+02:00

Gauteng Police announced discovery of:

arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammo,
10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroin,
R80 million forged South African banknotes and 25 trafficked Nigerian prostitutes
all in a block of flats behind the Hillbrow Public Library.

Local residents were stunned:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!”

Little Sipho - Brilliantly Funny!

2010-11-19T16:05:00.000+02:00

Young Sipho goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.

He puts his hands in the flour and covers his head with it.

He says: "Look mamma, I am a white boy!"

His mother slaps him hard on the face and says: "Sipho, go show your dad what you've done!!"

So he does, and his dad slaps him too.

His granny happens to be right next to his dad and she slaps him vehemently in disgust.

Then Sipho's mom says: "Did you learn something from all this?

The poor little Sipho shakes his head, crying and says:

"I did. I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes and I'm already scared of you blacks!"

Aphorisms

2010-11-19T14:34:00.000+02:00

AN APHORISM IS A SHORT POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy you a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9.. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 am - it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years time, we'll have thousands of old ladies with perky breasts running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies ! )

18. Money can't buy you happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Golf .

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead!

20. Always be yourself, because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind, don't matter.

Golden oldies

2010-11-19T14:27:00.001+02:00

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

Blackberry offer

2010-11-19T14:26:00.000+02:00

Hi everyone,

I have 6 Blackberry's for sale.

They still brand new.

Contact me for a price…. No Chancers please.

Control Freak

2010-11-19T14:25:00.000+02:00

Ons Engelse les vir vandag

2010-11-18T15:46:00.000+02:00

Ons Engelse les vir vandag .......

Disappear

ingeval jy nie weet nie...

Translations!

2010-11-18T15:44:00.000+02:00

Definitions in Construction ...

2010-11-18T15:42:00.000+02:00

TENDER SUBMISSION:

A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

TENDER SUM:

A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

SUCCESSFUL TENDERER:

A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

ARCHITECT:

A man who knows very little about a great deal, and keeps knowing less and

less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about

everything.

CONSULTING ENGINEER:

A man who knows a great deal about very little, and goes on knowing more

and more about less and less until he knows practically everything about

nothing.

BUYERS:

The cow in the office that cheats you out of monies with a smile on her face.

QUANTITY SURVEYORS:

People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYERS:

People who go in after the Quantity Surveyors and strip the bodies.

COST PLAN ESTIMATE:

The cost of construction in heaven.

MANAGEMENT CONTRACT:

The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

COMPLETION DATE:

The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES:

A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

SUB-CONTRACTOR:

A gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

CONTRACTOR:

A man who starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing

nothing due to his association with Architects and Consulting Engineers.

ENGINEER:

They save lives - fortunately they weren't smart enough to go on and become

Doctors.

GAMMAT....

2010-11-18T15:39:00.000+02:00

Die ou is in Durbanville en is haastig om by die Waterfront te kom.

Hy sien vir Gammat op die sypaadjie en vra hom: "Luister man wat is nou die gouste Waterfront toe?"

Gammat vra "Master, loep djy of ry djy?"

Die ou sê: "Ek ry."

Gammat sê: "Nei daais die gouste."

Terrible F1 accident

2010-11-18T15:36:00.000+02:00

This is just awful…

Etiket vir Brakpanners

2010-09-11T06:15:00.000+02:00

ETIKET VIR BRAKPANNERS.
(soos voorgeskryf deur Emsie Schoeman, en hersien deur Andre P. Brink)

ALGEMEEN

1. Moet nooit bier saamvat na 'n job interview nie.
2. Probeer eers uitvind wie die mense in jou jaard is voor jy begin skiet.
3. Die dominee smaak dit nie as jy 'n cooler box saamvat kerk toe nie.
4. As jy die bed moet stofsuig is dit tyd om ander lakens op te sit.
5. Selfs al is jy seker jy is ingesluit in die testament, moenie jou Venter saamsleep na 'n begrafnis toe nie.

UITEET

1. As jy wyn skink, tilt die paper cup sodat jy nie die "vrug" van die wyn bederf nie.
2. As jy uit die bottel uit drink, hou hom so vas sodat jou vingers die label toehou.

ONTHAAL IN JOU HUIS

1. Moenie jou geliefde opgestopte hamster/kat/hond/aap op die koffietafel sit nie.
2. Moenie dat jou hond van die tafel eet nie (al is sy maniere beter as jou gaste s'n).

PERSOONLIKE GESONDHEID

1. Terwyl ore gereeld moet skoongemaak word, is dit 'n job wat verkieslik met jou eie bakkiesleutels gedoen moet word.
2. Grond en olie onder jou vinger naels is 'n social nee, want dit gee daai finger snacks 'n snaakse smaak en cherries laaik dit nie so kwaai nie.

VERHOUDINGS (buite die familie)

1. Bied altyd aan om die aas aan jou goose se hoek te sit, veral met die eerste date.
2. Wees aggressief. Laat weet haar jy wag al twee jaar om met haar uit te gaan nadat jy daai goed gelees het teen die toilet muur daar by Shoprite.
3. Maak seker jy vind uit by haar ma-hulle wanneer sy by die huis moet wees. Party sal sê 10-uur, ander "Maandag". As die antwoord Maandag is,is dit Jou job om te sorg dat sy betyds by die skool is.

FLIEK

1. Moenie met die mense op die screen probeer praat nie. Jarelange wetenskaplike navorsing het bewys dat hulle jou nie kan hoor nie.

TROUES

1. Kleinvee is nie so 'n hot trougeskenk nie.
2. As jy die bruid langer as 5 sekondes soen, kan jy miskien geskiet word.
3. Vir die bruidegom: Huur 'n tux; 'n corduroy broek en T-shirt met 'n Cummerbund werk nie so lekker nie.
4. Al is dit moelik, se maar ja vir sokkies en skoene (al is dit dan net vir die kerk).

BESTUUR

1. Dim jou ligte as 'n kar van voor af kom, al is jou gun gelaai.
2. As jy by 'n 4-way stop kom, ry die ou met die grootste wiele eerste.
3. Moet nooit 'n ander blaar se kar tou met pantyhose en duct tape nie..
4. As jy jou vrou/goose met 'n kannetjie stuur om te gaan petrol haal, is dit swak maniere om haar te vra om bier ook saam terug te bring.
5. Moenie spin as jy in 'n begrafnisstoet ry nie.

Vuvuzelas : Annoying you since 1660

2010-09-11T06:13:00.000+02:00

SOMS PRAAT 'N VROU NET TE VEEL !!!!

2010-09-11T06:12:00.000+02:00

Brakpan.......

2010-09-11T05:54:00.000+02:00

A Brakpan girl goes to Home Affairs to register for child benefits.

"How many children?" asks the assessor?

"Ten" replies the Brakpan girl,

"Ten?" exclaims the Home Affairs worker.

"What are their names?"

"Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie and Kosie "

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Brakpan girl. "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout Kosie, YOUR SUPPER'S READY or Kosie GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Home Affairs worker.
"That's easy," says the Brakpan girl... "I just use their surnames"

The Datsun never dies

2010-09-11T05:52:00.000+02:00

Some good old SA humour...

A guy breaks down in his Datsun bakkie out in Boksburg. A Hummer pulls upnext to him :'Ek sê come I'll sommer tow you with my Hummer, but if I drive too fast, flash your lights and hoot so that I can slow down!'

Off they go... Pull up to a robot, Ferrari pulls up next to the Hummer, tunes ' Wanna dice ek sê?' Revving engines, robot goes green, and they haul it down the road.

Dude standing on the side of the road sees them tearing past, neck in neck.
Phones his tjommie 'Ai boet, I've got a story to tell you, I just saw a Hummer and Ferrari dicing, neck in neck ek sê like 300km/h' Tjommie - 'Pretty hip ey?'

Dude says to him ' That aint the story, there's a Datsun bakkie right behind them, flashing and hooting, he wants to overtake china!!!!!'

More "Engrish"

2010-09-11T05:50:00.000+02:00

The crafty are very slippery...

Mazda 3 for sale...lots of extras.

2010-09-11T05:48:00.000+02:00

No blue bull paraphernalia included intentionally...

Financial Systems

2010-09-11T05:46:00.000+02:00

Finance for non-financial Managers - Section1: Global Financial systems

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You make biltong...

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
·        You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You go on strike because you want three cows.
·        They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone else's cows and shoot their owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
·        A farmer has two cows.
·        You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
·        You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
·        You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You count them and learn you have five cows.
·        You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
·        You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
·        You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
·        You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
·        You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        You have 300 people milking them.
·        You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
·        You have two cows.
·        The one on the left is kinda cute...

Arni & Windows 7

2010-09-11T04:21:00.000+02:00

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he would like to upgrade his PC to Windows 7 he said:

“I-still-love-vista…baby!”.

Yet another example of why proof-reading is important...

2010-05-08T14:20:00.001+01:00

Recipe calls for 'ground black people'

April 18 2010 at 09:25AM

Sydney - An Australian publisher is reprinting over 7 000 cookbooks because a recipe for pasta called for "salt and freshly ground black people".

Penguin Group

Australia

's head of publishing, Bob Sessions, acknowledged that the proofreader for the Pasta Bible should have picked up the error, but called it nothing more than a "silly mistake".

The "Pasta Bible" recipe for tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto was supposed to call for black pepper.

"We're mortified that this has become an issue of any kind and why anyone would be offended, we don't know," he told The Sydney Morning Herald for a story printed on Saturday.

How to always have fuel in 2010

2010-05-08T14:19:00.000+01:00

S A A (South African Airways)

2010-05-08T14:16:00.001+01:00

FLYING S A A

You know you're flying S.A.A. when you ask the air hostess for the black pepper and she brings you.
.
.
.
.
.
.

THE SOWETAN.....

What happened in the Fairytales after "The End"

2010-05-08T14:14:00.000+01:00

Tigershark

2010-05-08T14:12:00.000+01:00

A Sad Mother's Day Story - sniff, sniff...

2010-05-08T14:10:00.000+01:00

Very sad...

Let's meet at Mario's

2010-05-08T14:09:00.000+01:00

A group of 40-year-old golf buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario's restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario's because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario's because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario's because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario's because they have never been there before.

NUWE FORD RUN FLAT TYRES!

2010-05-08T14:07:00.000+01:00

Heathrow Airport on the morning when the skies opened

2010-05-08T14:05:00.000+01:00

Motivation

2010-01-24T18:32:00.000+02:00

SA's got talent

2010-01-24T18:30:00.000+02:00

Apology to a Mugger

2009-12-16T08:50:00.000+02:00

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in

Georgia

.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons
and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Driving on the N2

2009-12-16T08:47:00.000+02:00

Eish...

So who's going to change the tyre?

2009-12-16T08:44:00.000+02:00

Ladies first...

About Gun control

2009-12-16T08:42:00.000+02:00

Hand Luggage

2009-10-30T07:20:00.000+02:00

Why Germany Lost WWII

2009-10-28T14:31:00.000+02:00

BOREDOM STRIKES

2009-10-21T13:19:00.002+02:00

Inkopies in Benoni

2009-10-21T13:16:00.002+02:00

Man in Benoni stuur vrou om inkopies te doen.

Sy kom terug met 3 kaste bier, 2 kaste brandewyn, 1 kas Cane, 1 kas Coke en 2 brode.

Hy kyk haar so en vra, "kry ons kuiermense?"

"Nee" sê sy. "Hoekom?"

Hy vra: "Nou hoekom koop jy dan so baie brood?!"

I bet he won't do that again

2009-10-21T13:15:00.001+02:00

Great Story

2009-10-21T13:14:00.001+02:00

Vacation

2009-10-08T13:57:00.003+02:00

Swak diens

2009-10-02T16:24:00.001+02:00

Klein Jannie was in die kerk toe nagmaal bedien word. Sy ma het vir hom verduidelik dat hy nog te klein is om nagmaal te gebruik. Toe die kollektebordjie omgestuur word, sê sy vir hom om sy kollekte in te gooi.

Maar Jannie hou sy muntstuk styf vas, en sê: "As ek nie mag eet en drink nie, betaal ek nie!"

News report from Iraq

2009-09-30T15:10:00.001+02:00

Scenes from latest Plane Crash

2009-09-29T12:33:00.002+02:00

Windgat Blou bulle!!!!

2009-09-28T16:10:00.002+02:00

Say no more...........

NG Hondjie

2009-09-26T04:23:00.002+02:00

Man kom huilend by 'n dominee aan.
Dominee: Hoekom so hartseer broer?
Man: My hond is dood. Sal Dominee hom begrawe asseblief?
Dominee: Nee broer, ons begrawe nie diere nie. Probeer die AGS oorkant
die straat.
Man: Goed, dink u hulle sal 'n donasie van R50 000 aanvaar?
Dominee: My magtig broer, kom sit, pleks jy sê dis 'n NG hondjie!

Absolutely brilliant

2009-09-11T16:34:00.002+02:00

Habana

2009-09-03T15:25:00.001+01:00

PROOOOOVINCE!!

Ou antie

2009-09-03T12:29:00.002+01:00

'n 30 jarige man nader 'n ou tannie in 'n rocking chair op haar voorstoep.

"Ek kon nie help om te sien hoe gelukkig tannie lyk nie. Wat is tannie se geheim vir 'n so 'n lang gelukkige lewe?" "Ek rook 3 pakkies skywe 'n dag", sê sy "en maak 'n paar stywe lyne elke dag. Voor ek gaan slaap rook ek 'n groot zol dagga. Verder drink ek 'n bottle Jack Daniels elke weeksaand en eet net junk food. Ek drink ook hectic baie pille elke naweek en doen geen oefening."

"Dis absoluut amazing tannie", sê die man verstom, "hoe oud is tannie?"

"Vier-en-twintig"

Spring Is In The Air

2009-09-01T12:07:00.002+01:00

Oops!

2009-08-29T07:20:00.002+01:00

Google Classic!!!

2009-08-27T14:09:00.001+01:00

Bwahahahaha - classic indeed...

Bird-Pig

2009-08-27T11:11:00.003+01:00

Your educational moment for today!

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Fl

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

Basic road rules in Gauteng

2009-08-21T11:32:00.002+01:00

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN GAUTENG

1. Indicating will give away your next move. A real
Gauteng driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by
at least 2 taxis, two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even
more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller
the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No
one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage
as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left.
It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a
guideline. They are especially not applicable in Gauteng during rush
hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....’

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room
to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Gauteng driver flashing his
high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an
accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will
be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of the
high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which
puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on
their toes.

11. It is traditional in Gauteng to honk your horn at
cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents
storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from
making deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every Gauteng driver is to
get there first, by whatever means necessary.

13. On average, at least three cars can still go through
an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering
to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush
hour.

Air plane & power cables??

2009-08-21T02:55:00.003+01:00

Passport Control

2009-08-21T02:51:00.002+01:00

Swine flu paranoia is getting out of hand

2009-08-20T13:05:00.002+01:00

My hond

2009-08-20T13:01:00.001+01:00

Hi julle

Ek het onlangs my hond gevat vir opleiding by die hondeskool. Indien jul ook belangstel, laat weet my dan stuur ek die skool se nommer vir julle.

Life in South Africa

2009-08-15T08:25:00.002+01:00

Rasta Safety

2009-08-10T15:45:00.003+01:00

Things that make you say W T F

2009-08-10T15:42:00.002+01:00

How I passed Matric . . .

2009-08-10T15:38:00.001+01:00

THE MISTRESS

2009-08-05T11:09:00.002+01:00

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jag in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Only In Pakistan

2009-08-04T15:18:00.003+01:00

Miss Kruger National Park 2009

2009-08-01T04:40:00.003+01:00